May 28, 2005

To The 10 And Back (part 5) Confessions

This is it ppl, the crux of the entire series. When I started off on the series yesterday, I wanted to share with u all the feelings that I had being a tenner. Sure u all know or can guess how it positively helps u by giving confidence and so on but somehow no one bothers to think abt the negatives. The thing is, everything has a +ve and a -ve. Eveyrthing. That has been my guideline at the worst of times even. I am gonna talk abt the negatives here, coz somewhere deep inside, I am sarcastic and its the -ves that shine and amaze me rather than the +ves.

Continuing on things that I left in the previous post, I must tell you that everyone has an image of a tener in their minds. A certain set of characteristics that you associate with a tenner, sometimes even physical characteristics (a friend of mine recently showed my photograph to his friends and the first thing they all told him was "He doesn't look like a tenner" :)) ). It creates a profile of urs, whether u like it or not. Somehow I can't digest the feeling that there is a profile of me out there in ppl's mind that isn't truly me. There area few tenners who really are like their profile suggets. But not all, atleast not me. And it kills me from within to see how ppl react to me at times. Some go so very sweet wen they talk to me just coz I have scored a 10 and I know they won't even bat an eyelid if I vern't a tenner. Its that bad. U lose urself, whether u like it or not. Now I can't possibly go around telling ppl that I ain't like wat u think I am. Fortunatle, my wingmates atleast know who I really am and they respect me for that and I respect them for this mere approval of my true from.

U know, if u ask me, I never wanted to be a tenner. It wasn't something I worked for. Back in 1st sem the only thing I knew (or was supposed to know) was that I have to do well to get a branch-change. But when the 10 happened, the scenario changed. My plans now had a lower limit. I cudn't go below a certain level now. Why ?? Coz I wasn't supposed to. "A tenner doesn't do ....". I mean, I necer wanted to be wearing the cloak of 10 over me but I cudn't help it. It was stuck to me.
To tell u the truth, this is what I wanted :- 8 point someone, mech. engg., living life very cool at my own pace, enjoyin life and going beyond grades forever, to spend precious time trying to discover life rather than slog on sick courses,..... the list is endless. But I am sure u get the picture. Now imagine this, cud I do this after scoring a 10 ?? I mean, what ppl or rather "society" wud say is that I ended up below where I cud have been. And I will confess. I didn't feel myself when I took CSE. Things r different now. I am making most of what has come my way (luckily, CSE still has a lot of classic mathematical theory in it, which I love). Now u know why I blogged abt society that much. Coz I was myself a victim and worst of all, ppl never saw the scars, they thought they were like joy-marks. I know half of u will b like "what the hell is he talking abt. Surely CSE is better than Mech.". Yes, I know. But as I told u all, my independence and my likings are more important to me than facts. I can't step over myself like most ppl unknowingly do. Its like disrespecting yourself. Why ??
Is it wrong to think and do differently. Of course not. Every person is born different and surely God knows better than to create ppl vth differeing personalities. Why do things that are known to b rite. Why not do things that u think are right and u r comfortable with rather than walk down a path that u don't want to go ?? A question as simple as this has no answers. Ppl will simply turn their heads away. I can't.

At the beginning of the sem, when I was exposed to a real crap course (my batchmates know which course I am talking abt), I kinda lost faith in acads and I think I was right. There is no use sulking in the heat of such stupid courses. But when I told bout these feelings of mine to a friend, he responded "Anshul, u r a tenner. U are not supposed to behave like that, atleast not u". That was it right there. I felt like I was being cornered. I wasn't supposed to. Why ??
Just coz a two-digit number hovers around me. No. I can't accept that.

When the electives issue came up for the 1st time last sem, I spent almost a week trying to fight off the fear of grades over choosing good courses. Finally I won. I decided I would take good courses rather than easy ones. But, it seemed I was too late. 4 of my electives were rejected coz I was late in submitting requests :( I had no choice. The only alternative left was a course that was easy.
But when the same issue rose up for the next sem, I didn't wait. I attacked early and I am happy to say that I chose courses that ver real good and intresting rather than the drab ones.
U know, it wasn't easy. But I was predetermined not to b a victim again. I had to fight it. This little thing in itself was a very big vitory for me. Very big.
I don't know whether these courses will b responsible for my stepping down from the 10 or not but frankly, I feel I have won the war even before it started. I don't care what I score. I am gonna do my best, regardless of what happens and what the society says. I don't care. Its my life, my own life.

Remember I talked abt being victimized by the power of this 10 in the early part of last sem when I did my 1st mids badly. I think now u'll understand y i felt at a loss. The whole point of education is to teach u something and not just expect u to mug things and blurt them out. But when I chose to work to regain my 10, I must confess (and I am sure that most ppl in my place wudn't even realize this) that I gave in. I lost right there. I chose to give time to even those filthy courses just coz I had chosen to regain my 10. But the guilt was so strong in me that I actually discovered a new weapon. Hard-work. For this, I don't wholly regret my decision. U c, there is always a good side to things.

U know, there are some things to which u can just close ur eyes and they will continue feeding on u and u will b in a state of daze and won't realize whats happening. Just like say when someone starts taking drugs. The person, after a while gives in to the fact that its destroying him and he just closes his eyes to the facts. That is what a 10 can do. I mean, what I experienced last sem when I had to decide on wat to do next after my 1st mids was just too much to ask of a poor soul. I never felt so battered bfore. I mean, I knew the worst that cud happen was spi 8.8, which means a cpi of 9.7 !! (just checked in calc, so don't worry). I mean, imagine a guy getting worried for days tho he knows happen wat may, he'll atleast score a 9.7. This was my condition. I cudn't even pity myself, coz once u have decided to go on vth something, u have to go on vth full force, and no self-pitying at all.
That's y I considered my last 10 to be more than just a 10. There is still a very important (most imp. actually) angle to it that I can't write about due to personal reasons but if u even feel a bit of the pain that I went thru, I will b satisfied.

U know, life ain't all that sunny. Its dark too. Every room has its own dark corners an bright walls. There is no denying it.

I just hope that ppl don't attribute an image to someone just by seeing the materialistic aspects. The im-materialistic ones are the ones that really matter.

Don't learn, but discover. sounds nice eh ?, my own creation :)


Blogger Vinod Khare said...

Can you belive that I wrote this comment twice and twice I deleted it? The only thing I want to say is - I am very, very, very jealous of you, but despite all that jealousy I still have to admit, and I admit it with great difficulty - I respect and admire you a lot. Thats it. Like I said, I'm not the appropriate person to say anything more about this issue.

1:01 AM  
Blogger anshul said...

well yes, I can believe it !!
But seriously, I am so happy that u told wat u did !!
I mean, sure its easy to think but u did write it. I honestly admire u for that. And i know that somewhere u have a leak in ur brain ;) , like all IITians do :))
Thanx a lot pal.

5:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hey!!...jus saw a small refernce to the pic thing...well firstly...i told few ppl abt u r 'tenner' thnig was jus to ffel proud that a close frend of mine is 10ptr for 4 sems...and evry1 respects parents too..and then i showd them the pic to show them what u really are...but not creating a wrong image of u....infact iwas tryin to remove the wrong image of urs...thts it dude...hope u ve not got hurt by any means..luv u..

11:45 PM  
Blogger anshul said...

hey man, no hard feelings.
i know y u showed the pics re. cmon, i know u for so long now, obviously it didn't hurt me. i wrote abt the pic thing only coz it cud have bought a smile to a few faces other than my own :)

1:07 PM  
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