The Sweet Intoxication

-by Anshul Gandhi

The fears fill me up,
As the light fades away,
Creeping down inside me,
All I see is shades of gray.

Clutching at the despairs,
That stuck with me all the way.
One look at you standing in the corridor,
And it all goes away.

Deliver me, from this temptation.
Fill me up, with your sweet intoxication.

The world’s a desert,
Just grains of sand,
Blanks and spaces,
That I just don’t understand.

It’s like a crazy dream,
And I can’t seem to awake.
Until I hear your voice,
That’s all it’s going to take.

Come on in, make the revelation.
Fill me up, with your sweet intoxication.

Lower and lower,
Till there is no more,
The place of dead silence,
Haven’t been here before.

All I can think of is you,
All I want to see is you,
Every breath in my body,
Knows it can only be you.

Lift me up, you’re my salvation.
Fill me up, with sweet intoxication.

last post explained

Hmm, looks like the audience ain't as smart as I thought they would be :P
Please pardon my self-glorifying statements here.

The idea was when you dream about something, and when it really happens, there is (in many cases) a difference and this difference can be huge. Think about a movie with an awesome star cast. There will be times (in Bollywood, lots) when the movie doesn't meet your expectations.
For people who are into novels, doesn't it usually happen that a movie based on the best-seller you read doesn't seem to be even close. Think about it. The other person who didn't read the book might have enjoyed the movie a lot more than you did.
The reason: when you read a novel, you `imagine' the story in your head. You direct it. You put in the characters. It's your own little film playing in your head. Now how can someone beat your imagination ? Some movies like LOTR pull it off but I hope you get what I am trying to say.

Now the return journey through the woods was a bit confusing I accept.
It was about how we remember or (unconsciously) want to remember the things that happened for real. You can make a memory sweet even though it wasn't as sweet as you remember it. Or if there was an event in which two people were involved, say a vacation you and your best friend took, then he might not remember it in the same spirits as you do.
I hope that makes the last post a little more clear.

The hunt is sweeter than the kill. So is the return journey through the woods.

You've been thinking about it right from the day you set foot in the university. You have dreamed about it. Oh yes you have. And what a fancy dream it has been. Cultivated for all those years right from when you set foot in the university up to this very day. You take deep breath and dream again about the same thing you have thought of so many times before. Yet it seems so different every time you conjure up your dream. You'll be sitting there with all your friends. Everyone's eyes bright with the dreams of a future in them. Everyone's spirits high. Parents waiting for the proud moments. There's an air of pride all around. You know it's coming. And you wait. You wait for your name to be called out.
Ah, there it is. Time for you to get on to the stage, amid rounds of applause and looks of awe. You bow to the committee or whatever_it_is_called. The sounds of claps echo through the hall. But you can hardly hear them. All you can hear is your own heartbeat. And boy it sounds so good. You feel like jumping off a cliff and flying away to lands unknown. You walk up to the Director and then you see it. Right in front of you. It's yours for the taking. Your eyes gleam as you see it right there in front of you. Gold. Well, your degree certificate but nonetheless.
And when you walk back to your seat with the_thing in your arms, you spot your parents in the crowd. And you see them. Tears in their eyes and the warmest of smile on their faces. They are together. Proud of what you have become. This was the hunt.

Oh sure you could cry right now but there's no time. You got to go to the ceremony. This is reality. The kill.
It's rather noisy and sweaty. God, of the seasons of the year they had to have the ceremony in this season of heat and sun !! The sun was literally smirking at you. God you wish there were some clouds in the sky today. Ah well.
It's going to be your turn soon. You are excited. Your friends don't seem to be looking at you but that's ok. Bang ! There it is ! Your name's called out. As expected, there are claps. Are they for you or for the person before you who's bowing to the crowds right now. Doesn't matter. And you walk proudly to the stage. And you can't hear the claps too well. Is that because your heart is pounding ? Well, not really. There aren't as many claps as you thought. Ah well, no matter. You bow in front of the committee as planned, you take your degree from the Director as planned. You turn around and exit the stage as planned. Wow, not more than a minute in all and people are already clapping for the next guy. Well, short maybe but that was your moment of glory. You hope the cameraman took your snap at the right moment. And you search for your parents among the crowd. Well, can't really seem to find them. You'll just meet them outside maybe. An hour later, waiting for the ceremony to get over and hoping you could have some cold water you wish the cameraman at least took a snap of you. It doesn't matter anymore when he took it. Just hope he took something that has you in it.
Hehehe, that was the kill. Not quite as you `thought' it would be eh.

This one's fun. The return journey through the woods.
Your grand children are all over you. They can't seem to contain their excitement. They are literally jumping all around you. Boy, what do kids eat nowadays.
"Tell us grandpa, please tell us. How was it. How did you feel. Tell us everything. The whole thing."
"Ok ok, mellow down. I'll tell you."
"It was so long ago, yet, somehow I remember it as though it just happened yesterday. It was a bright summer morning. The sun was smiling down at us and there was not a single cloud in the sky. Such was the morning that day. The hall was buzzing with the sounds of proud students waiting for their moment of glory. When my turn was coming close, I felt so proud of myself. For a moment I couldn't even listen to my friends talking to me. I was so overwhelmed by the feeling. And then, it happened. Amidst a roar of applause, my name was called. I couldn't even stand up straight for a moment. It was just as I had dreamed it would be. I walked up to the stage and I could feel everyone's look upon me. It was my moment. At that point in time, nothing else mattered. I remember the admiring looks the committee gave me as I bowed to them. A little distance away from them was the Director. With my degree in hand and a look of approval on his face, he smiled at me. And I smiled back. I remember it all too clearly. As though time had stood still for that instant. I shook hands with the Director. Thanked him as he congratulated me. I was all smiles. As I walked back, I spotted mom and dad among the crowd. I don't quite remember what happened then, but it must have been just as beautiful."
"Wow grandpa, I can see my graduation day already. I wish it's just as beautiful."
"Oh it will be just as you imagine it to be. Just the same."

"Err dad, I remember grandma telling me that you couldn't spot them when you were coming back. Did you ?"
"Son, it was such a long time back, I might be missing a few details here and there. But yes, this is how I remember it."

silly lovers

It was a lavish green field just close to the heart of the city. And that made it a rather popular place for the young and the old. The wise and the foolish. The lovers and the loners.

"You know Jason, they say every love has some silliness in it. Do you believe that's true ?"
"Well, I guess so Karen. Does it matter ?"
"Well no, not really."

"Jason, what are you thinking ?"
"I am just looking at those stars."
"Where ?"
"Over there, follow the tip of my finger there. You see ?"
"What do they look like ?"
"To me, they seem like wings. Like those of an angel. Do you see them now ?"
"Yeah, I think I do. They look pretty."

"You know Karen"
"What ?"
"It takes two really silly people to see stars in the sky at this time of the day."
"I know Jason, I know"

A rather popular place for the young and the old. The wise and the foolish. The lovers and the loners.

Overworked !!

Seriously, 3 projects going on in parallel, reports to write, experiments to run. Wow, lots to do. Fortunately, there's no lack of time.
Updates: just bought a 2nd hand TV yesterday and now we plan on getting an Xbox :D
I mean, what else would you use the TV for right ?

Need to see a movie today. Have to a pizza to go with it so that should be fun :)

Adios people.
Blogging should be on for a while.

It's all in the mind !!

We see the world not through our eyes, but through our thoughts.
Something could seem like the ugliest creation on earth to someone and for someone else, it could mean the whole world.
We are our desires, said Sigmund Freud. What I perceive it is this: we see things as we want to see them, not as they are. That's why a movie might be a waste of time to someone whereas for someone else, it might have moved him to tears.

Hence I say, it's all in the mind. Sadly, that's the bare truth. We are greedy. Let's embrace that greed. It's this greed that makes us all so different. That gives us our individuality. That makes me 'I'. The world would be a horrid place if everyone was alike and thought alike.
We are all different, and we think different. That's what was meant to be. Everything is as you see it. That's all there is.

It's rightly said, we are the choices we make.
When we know we are good, we feel invincible. Whatever comes upon us, the fact that we have no guilt makes it all good. Had we done the slightest of sin, we would feel the burden of it in times of crisis. Everything adds up eventually. Everything comes back. All that we do, remains. And it haunts us.
To live is to make peace with what we have done and what has happened with us. It's give and take. To sin and to forgive are the two things in life that balance everything out.

We are what we are. We make ourselves what we are. It's all in the mind.
You'll hear more from me soon.
Adios :)

To somu, rohit, chaubeji, neerav and everyone else, thanks for being there.

What's money worth ?

Yeah, it's been a while.
And no, I wasn't busy, I was just plain lazy (still am :D)
I still have some audience it seems that wants me to blog. So this one's for you yukay (not UK dear, its yukay. Dear friend yukay. He has been disappointed with me lately so I thought I could do something to cheer him up. I know, clever me :D)

I take this opportunity to shamelessly publicize my latest poem A distant dream @ home.iitk.ac.in/~ganshul

So, what is money worth ?
Or, to put it simply, is it worth getting super-rich ?
We all have a certain basic level of monthly expendinture that we can thrive on. Let's double it. Now double it again. Still want more ?
Why ? Greed for one. But I can't help thinking that greed is a major killer.
I mean, think of all those other things you could do instead of wasting time on earning more. More than you need that is.
Fair enough, money is needed for survival, and let's face it, for happiness too.
Well, earn that much, but why more ?
Ok, put a little aside for your future kids (assuming you don't have any yet) but even then, is money such a big thing ?
Being a Piescian (hope I spelled it right. I am too lazy to check the spelling right now), I can't help thinking that money is a waste if you don't spend it. And no, I wouldn't spend it on something I don't need. A huge merc. Err, I was never a fan of cars, so no, that doesn't go on my list of "things I just HAVE to have".
Even then, apart from a few material must_haves, most of us are rather happy on the amount of money that we can earn (I am still jobless by the way, literally). So why dream of being a millionaire ?
Most would say that they would want to be millionaires so that they won't have to do anything.
But seriously, the path to that would go through a life of enough hardships to make you alien to the spirit of "not doing anything". You would rather relax rather than working your way to becoming a millionaire.
No, I am not saying one must not work hard. But I am saying, why only work hard for money ?
Why not spend half of that time on your relations, family, friends, pursuing your hobbies (making money doesn't count as one) and countless other things you want to do.

Yes, greed is a property of being human. A requisite.
But why is greed associated to money so much. It should be the greed to do what you want to do. The greed to be happy. The greed to be able to do things that make you happy.
Most professions that people take up are for the money they are being paid. Well, doesn't seem the right thing to do somehow. Take something that you can fit into and a place where you can enjoy your stay.
Let's face it, most people work for money. Most professions have just that in mind.
Medical doctors are an exception. And anyways, I have a soft corner for medical doctors, so let's just keep them out of this.
And also those crazy nerds who want to do something for the improvement of mankind. But even there, all most gifted minds do is invent things that can make the lazy human being more lazy.
Why not work to enjoy a bit in work as well. Maybe it cuts down the money you earn, but money ? Is it worth all that ? Is it worth sacrificing your happiness ?
I really think not.
Keep in mind that I am talking about earning more than your basic needs and the basic luxuries that keep your mind healthy and happy.
Earn that, and spend the rest of your efforts elsewhere I guess. Seems the right thing to do.
I guess I'll stop here.
Maybe you'll hear from me sometime in the near future. Next year perhaps.
Which reminds me that new year is fast approaching.
So, happy new year everyone.

Naa Jaane Kyon

1st hindi poem, so go easy on me ;)
---------------------------------------------

Din ke ujaalon mein kisi ko dhoondna,
Raat ke andheron mein yun hi ghum jaana,
Naa jane kyon, lagta hai jaise teri chahat hi hai.

Har pal, har ghadi, tera hi intezaar karta hoon,
Har disha se teri hi aahat sunta hoon,
Naa jane kyon, lagta hai jaise teri mohabbat hi hai.

Shaamon ka mujh par aisa asar jataana,
In hawaon ka mujhe kuch is tarah satana,
Naa jane kyon, lagta hai jaise ye teri sharat hi hai.


Bas kuch palon ka saath tha,
Na tha phir koi vaasta,
Naa jane kyon, phir bhi ek kashish si hai.

Un palon mein waqt jaise tham sa gaya,
Us ek nazar mein dil mera tap sa gaya,
Naa jane kyon, aaj bhi wahi tapish si hai.

Aaj bhi aankhon mein kuch nami si hai,
Tere bina jaise koi kami si hai.
Naa jane kyon, tere bina, dil mein ek khalish si hai.

(happy ending)
Kise pata tha ki yun phir milenge,
Kisne socha tha ki sang rahenge,
Naa jane kyon, lagta hai ye meri amaanat si hai.

Rakhe hue yun tu mere kandhe par sar,
Beet jaye bas yunhin waqt saara,ab kise hai fikar,
Naa jane kyon, lagta hai ab na koi shikaayat si hai.

Har janam ek duje pe fidaa hon,
Saath jiya hai, ab saath vida hon,
Naa jane kyon, ab yahi ek aakhri ijaazat si hai.

(sad ending)
Kya pata tha mujhe ki milenge hum teri chitah par,
Aag thi wahan aur jal raha tha main yahan par,
Naa jane kyon, aaj tak isse bhasm kar paya nahi hoon.

Mar kar bhi aaj zinda hai tu mujhme,
Yaad karke tujhe har pal maut main marta hoon.
Naa jane kyon, aaj bhi khuda se tere liye dua hi maangta hoon.

Teri chitah pe aaj bhi apni maut ka intezaar karta hoon,
Teri yaadon ke beech main apna shradh karta hoon.
Naa jane kyon, raakh mein aaj bhi main tujhe hi dhoondta hoon.

How Was I To Know

The Left is 'HE' and the right is 'SHE'.
You have three ways of reading it. Just the left or just the right or 1 para left and then the para on the right.
Enjoy.

The evening is dying down,
The sun is ready to set,
Staring into the twilight,
I reminisce the day we met.

Thinking of you from across the lands,
I know you are lost in my thoughts,
Lost in the days that we had spent,
your mind must be going through lots.

Not a word was spoken between us,
not a touch was shared,
Yet we knew what the other was thinking,
But neither of us dared.

That day when we first met,
just staring through stolen glances,
Even without words being said,
We were already thinking of the chances.

How was I to know,
that you had just moved in next door,
How was I to know,
That now I wouldn't need to dream anymore.

How was I to know,
that I would see you again that day,
How was I to know,
that with you is where my future lay.

Thinking of times like those,
tears flood my eyes,
Not knowing where to look for you,
I stare across the skies.

Those are the memories I walk with,
those are the moments I treasure,
Looking at you gazing towards me,
you have no idea about its measure.

Then came the day we fought,
and nothing ever changed back,
If only I had put in more thought,
I wouldn't have to feel this lack.

But the nightmares still haunt me,
that day that we broke apart,
If only I had been thoughtful,
I wouldn't have to leave with a heavy heart.

How was I to know,
that we wouldn't meet again,
How was I to know,
that nothing would numb this pain.

How was I to know,
that my mind wouldn't be on the drive,
How was I to know,
That that was my last day alive.

I still wait for you to return,
maybe you lost your way,
maybe you are just taking your time,
I know you will be back anyday.

I wish I could return,
I see it in my dreams,
I see you taking me in your arms,
so true it all seems.

Forgive me for all my sins,
Oh please forgive me my dear,
Tell me you are on your way,
tell me you are near.

Forgive me for all that happened,
Oh please forgive me my dear,
How much ever I scream,
I know you cannot hear.

How was I to know,
that I would end up waiting for you forever.
How was I to know,
that you would return to me never.

How was I to know,
that I would never be able to say my goodbye.
How was I to know,
That I would have to wait until you die.

From Zurich

Hi all,
I dunno how long it has been since I blogged and I dunno how long it will b bfore I blog again, so lets not bother bout that :)

Zurich is, well, pretty clean, advanced and ideal for work.
India is mayb, not comparable to Zurich yet in any of the above stuff but then, I have realized and accepted than India is home. The place I wud settle down finally. Ppl here in Zurich are always busy, always formal. Not "mast" like we Indians. And thats something I can't live without.

The place has brilliant scenic beauty. No comparison there.

U c, I had this conception that "abroad" would b a gr8 place to live.
Atleast Switz isn't. Holiday, yes. Life, NO.

Now I guess the US is slightly better off, but yes, I wouldn't b surprised if it turns out to be un_settle_able either.

The things here are pretty modern and stuff. Sensors everywhere. And rules that are followed and never broken. That makes it systematic and NO, it isn't boring to follow rules. This is one thing we cud pick up.
But then again, there are ups and downs in all things.
Overall, nice place for a holiday, and even better for a honeymoon ;)

Adios.