May 29, 2005

To The 10 And Back (part 7) Full Stop.

I will wrap it up here with some final words.

Say there's a guy A.Say, he has an image in public or rather in society. Call this image B.
The chances that B is truly representing A are not 100%. I think its only about 50%.
The other 50% mostly try to forget their original image and try to dwell in their made up image, image B in this case. Now, mayb the new image is good, but it is false. It isn't the natural image. And I think one shudn't be intimidated by anyone, not even by his own image. There is a reason why all of us are born different (a blog on this will b thr soon) and I think we shud b what v are. Try and do the best vth what v r given rather than try to fit out.

Images don't reflect upon the person truly. It might not even be remotely close to what the person really is.
That shud be all. Thanx for being so patient.

To The 10 And Back (part 6) Uncalled Responsibilities

When I was telling about my not_so_enthusiastic inclination into continuing to slog with studies to a friend of mine, she responded "..Anshul, u have been given this intelligence, wouldn't it be a shame if u didn't work on it....". Shame, the word hit me hard. Hmm, was it that bad. I mean, did I sign up for this deal. Well, I am sure happy about the reapings that I am getting but is this what I asked for ? Sure its a good thing to score well, but is it a responsibility to score well given that u have a good brain ? I am not saying its not. But is it ??

There was this quote from the movie National Treasure that Nicolas Cage makes, "If there's something wrong, those who have the ability to take action have the responsibility to take action". Is it true ? Well, he was referring to a crisis but is it that u have to take on the responsibility whether u like it or not ?
I mean, sure this is a debatable topic and it did need clarification for me to move on. I was in a fix. I didn't want to slog. I was happy and wud b happy with decent marks, 8 ish. But once the 10 came, well, it bcame a responsibility. I cud make a 10. But does that mean I shud make a 10. Then it dawned on me (actually it dawned just now). There are many in IIT's who can make a 10, but they do not. If I didn't press on, I wud b one of them. Is it wrong to b like them ? I guess not. Its as simple as priorities. Priorities are personal and also dynamic, that is, they change with time and situation. But still, I still sometimes think of the shame that the entire issue brought up for me.

In one way, its good. It pushed me to do things that would help me. Sure it might be painful on the way and I had to slog thru some very sick courses, but, that's how it is. That's the way things are. Good and bad. We sure cud do without the sick courses, but then I had to go thru it like many others did. Sure the education system is all messed up but this is the education system that is in right now. It won't change overnight.

I guess that tho I cribbed a lot, I must accept that there are two sides to everything. The only thing was, that I hoped u ppl wud understand that 10 is not all that it looks like. It isn't.
In my first days in IITK, I and most ppl understood one thing - ppl are not what they look like. Its not written on anyone's face or behaviour that he/she is such_and_such.
Likewise, just bcoz of an image, don't assume that the person will also be like that.

May 28, 2005

To The 10 And Back (part 5) Confessions

This is it ppl, the crux of the entire series. When I started off on the series yesterday, I wanted to share with u all the feelings that I had being a tenner. Sure u all know or can guess how it positively helps u by giving confidence and so on but somehow no one bothers to think abt the negatives. The thing is, everything has a +ve and a -ve. Eveyrthing. That has been my guideline at the worst of times even. I am gonna talk abt the negatives here, coz somewhere deep inside, I am sarcastic and its the -ves that shine and amaze me rather than the +ves.

Continuing on things that I left in the previous post, I must tell you that everyone has an image of a tener in their minds. A certain set of characteristics that you associate with a tenner, sometimes even physical characteristics (a friend of mine recently showed my photograph to his friends and the first thing they all told him was "He doesn't look like a tenner" :)) ). It creates a profile of urs, whether u like it or not. Somehow I can't digest the feeling that there is a profile of me out there in ppl's mind that isn't truly me. There area few tenners who really are like their profile suggets. But not all, atleast not me. And it kills me from within to see how ppl react to me at times. Some go so very sweet wen they talk to me just coz I have scored a 10 and I know they won't even bat an eyelid if I vern't a tenner. Its that bad. U lose urself, whether u like it or not. Now I can't possibly go around telling ppl that I ain't like wat u think I am. Fortunatle, my wingmates atleast know who I really am and they respect me for that and I respect them for this mere approval of my true from.

U know, if u ask me, I never wanted to be a tenner. It wasn't something I worked for. Back in 1st sem the only thing I knew (or was supposed to know) was that I have to do well to get a branch-change. But when the 10 happened, the scenario changed. My plans now had a lower limit. I cudn't go below a certain level now. Why ?? Coz I wasn't supposed to. "A tenner doesn't do ....". I mean, I necer wanted to be wearing the cloak of 10 over me but I cudn't help it. It was stuck to me.
To tell u the truth, this is what I wanted :- 8 point someone, mech. engg., living life very cool at my own pace, enjoyin life and going beyond grades forever, to spend precious time trying to discover life rather than slog on sick courses,..... the list is endless. But I am sure u get the picture. Now imagine this, cud I do this after scoring a 10 ?? I mean, what ppl or rather "society" wud say is that I ended up below where I cud have been. And I will confess. I didn't feel myself when I took CSE. Things r different now. I am making most of what has come my way (luckily, CSE still has a lot of classic mathematical theory in it, which I love). Now u know why I blogged abt society that much. Coz I was myself a victim and worst of all, ppl never saw the scars, they thought they were like joy-marks. I know half of u will b like "what the hell is he talking abt. Surely CSE is better than Mech.". Yes, I know. But as I told u all, my independence and my likings are more important to me than facts. I can't step over myself like most ppl unknowingly do. Its like disrespecting yourself. Why ??
Is it wrong to think and do differently. Of course not. Every person is born different and surely God knows better than to create ppl vth differeing personalities. Why do things that are known to b rite. Why not do things that u think are right and u r comfortable with rather than walk down a path that u don't want to go ?? A question as simple as this has no answers. Ppl will simply turn their heads away. I can't.

At the beginning of the sem, when I was exposed to a real crap course (my batchmates know which course I am talking abt), I kinda lost faith in acads and I think I was right. There is no use sulking in the heat of such stupid courses. But when I told bout these feelings of mine to a friend, he responded "Anshul, u r a tenner. U are not supposed to behave like that, atleast not u". That was it right there. I felt like I was being cornered. I wasn't supposed to. Why ??
Just coz a two-digit number hovers around me. No. I can't accept that.

When the electives issue came up for the 1st time last sem, I spent almost a week trying to fight off the fear of grades over choosing good courses. Finally I won. I decided I would take good courses rather than easy ones. But, it seemed I was too late. 4 of my electives were rejected coz I was late in submitting requests :( I had no choice. The only alternative left was a course that was easy.
But when the same issue rose up for the next sem, I didn't wait. I attacked early and I am happy to say that I chose courses that ver real good and intresting rather than the drab ones.
U know, it wasn't easy. But I was predetermined not to b a victim again. I had to fight it. This little thing in itself was a very big vitory for me. Very big.
I don't know whether these courses will b responsible for my stepping down from the 10 or not but frankly, I feel I have won the war even before it started. I don't care what I score. I am gonna do my best, regardless of what happens and what the society says. I don't care. Its my life, my own life.

Remember I talked abt being victimized by the power of this 10 in the early part of last sem when I did my 1st mids badly. I think now u'll understand y i felt at a loss. The whole point of education is to teach u something and not just expect u to mug things and blurt them out. But when I chose to work to regain my 10, I must confess (and I am sure that most ppl in my place wudn't even realize this) that I gave in. I lost right there. I chose to give time to even those filthy courses just coz I had chosen to regain my 10. But the guilt was so strong in me that I actually discovered a new weapon. Hard-work. For this, I don't wholly regret my decision. U c, there is always a good side to things.

U know, there are some things to which u can just close ur eyes and they will continue feeding on u and u will b in a state of daze and won't realize whats happening. Just like say when someone starts taking drugs. The person, after a while gives in to the fact that its destroying him and he just closes his eyes to the facts. That is what a 10 can do. I mean, what I experienced last sem when I had to decide on wat to do next after my 1st mids was just too much to ask of a poor soul. I never felt so battered bfore. I mean, I knew the worst that cud happen was spi 8.8, which means a cpi of 9.7 !! (just checked in calc, so don't worry). I mean, imagine a guy getting worried for days tho he knows happen wat may, he'll atleast score a 9.7. This was my condition. I cudn't even pity myself, coz once u have decided to go on vth something, u have to go on vth full force, and no self-pitying at all.
That's y I considered my last 10 to be more than just a 10. There is still a very important (most imp. actually) angle to it that I can't write about due to personal reasons but if u even feel a bit of the pain that I went thru, I will b satisfied.

U know, life ain't all that sunny. Its dark too. Every room has its own dark corners an bright walls. There is no denying it.

I just hope that ppl don't attribute an image to someone just by seeing the materialistic aspects. The im-materialistic ones are the ones that really matter.

Don't learn, but discover. sounds nice eh ?, my own creation :)

To The 10 And Back (part 4) The Dark Side

I know its strange to think about anything bad connected with a 10, but believe me, its sometimes a number that has haunted me for days. In this post I am going to give a general picture of a few things that almost all tenners face.
U know, wen I accidentally wrote abt that relative thing in my previous posts, I didn't realize how deep it was until I had a chat with a close friend of mine abt it. U c, being a 10 sure feels good, but it has its own pros and cons, just like any other score does.

This 10 has an effect on you, like the Ring in the LOTR. You covet it so much that u don't see other things around u, things that actually do matter. Things as simple as relations, emotions, life itself. The thing absorbs you. I sure feel good being a tenner but every time I get my marks in the midsems its like " Will I be defending my 10 with such marks ?", or "Is this good enough ?". It does not stop. Even though you have performed much better than most ppl, all u can do is sigh and hope that its good enuf to give u an A, whereas other ppl around u who have scored an A are rejoicing. It even takes away the pleasure of scoring an A grade. Its that bad. When I did end up doing bad in my 1st midsems for reasons I can't put here, I felt a guilt in me. Like I wasn't capable of carrying the 10 anymore; and it was killing me. I spent weeks thinking at nights on how to handle myself and whether I should think of being captivated by this 10 and work all out to regain it or just stay cool and do as much as I can and not be intimidated by the 10. Theoretically, I shud have chosen the latter, I know that's the right thing to do. U shudn't get intimidated, in no circumstances. But I chose the former. And I know most of u will say that I did do the right thing coz I ended up scoring a 10.
But I know I chose wrong. I will elaborate more in the next post.

U c, ppl start creating an image abt u. U don't have a choice nemore. Ppl expect something from u, almost for granted. And it ain't good, not at all. Atleast for someone like me who values his independence and his moods above all else. I don't want to care abt what others expect from me, yet I am forced to. I think its getting kinda hazy.

Another problem is that u r forced to work hard even on courses that are soooo damn boring and don't even deserve to be worked upon. But u still have to slog on them, while the rest of the ppl can easily anjoy and amuse themselves with more intresting subjects. This was one thing that personally made me feel like this 10 business was a major let-down. It was forcing me to do things that I knew I shudn't. I mean, there were subjects I wanted to go deeper into but I had to sacrifice the time to cope up on other boring subjects just coz I wasn't assured of an A in it (though I was pretty sure of a B in them). I mean this is the worst part of it. The entire "good education" thing was at stake due to this 10. I feel that atleast some part of my problems are reaching u.

And another thing that this 10 throws at you (but which I triumphantly stepped over) is the choice of electives. There are always electives that are known to be "grade-lifters" and those electives which are "challenging but tough". Any day before entering IIT I wud have chosen the challenging thing without a second thought. But now, being a tenner and that image looming and hovering above me, I had an extra weight on me. What shud I do. Go for the grade-savers or for the challenge. Now, I will let u in on one major fact. Most ppl I know, tho not tenners, don't even give it a second tot. I asked them y they chose so_and_so elective and the simple answer I got was "The prof is cool. Gives a lot of A's". And when I ask them wat the course is about,its like "I dunno. Ppl say its easy". What the hell man !!
Where are u ppl. IIT or in school. And this is so prevelant that I get these looks from ppl "Hey, y r u even asking this. Don't u know which course to take ? ". I mean the whole point of introduction of electives has broken down.
So, if u want to choose an elective, its like a two_minute_recipe
step 1: look at all the courses
step 2:strike-off the courses that have a tuff course
step 3:strike-off the courses that have a prof who ain't very leniant in grading
step 4:look for courses ver u can easily impress the prof and Voila !! , u r done.
U have a list of courses and all u have to do is pick one and pretend that u like it and have an intrest in it. Simple eh ??

Never appealed to me tho, this whole idea of electives to save grades.
So, what did I do ? I'll answer that in the next post, which is gonna encapsulate how I handled things. This post was meant to be how a tenner feels, not how I feel.

May 27, 2005

To The 10 And Back (part 3) A Lesson Learnt

I lived a long time thinking that hard-work wasn't necessary or essential to succeed. And I did do without it for an year atleast (first sem was decent work). But once the sem went real bad and I realized that I had started on the wrong foot (I think I started out on my hands), I cudn't do much other than fall back to the basics. The only prob was, I had never gone by the basics; I wasn't a text-book guy. So, I had to kinda discover what hard-work really meant (actually, I am exaggerating again, coz I still haven't hard-worked. The hard was well, mildly hard ;) ). But to some extent, I cudn't do anything else. There wasn't much margin for error.
And when I did finally confirm the result, I also confirmed a lesson to myself "Hard-work does pay at the end". Here's where the bad part starts.
U c, hard is a relative term. So, if u are in a habit of pushing urself, it doesn't mean u r working hard. If u wanna work-hard, it means u have to raise the standards above ur normal ones. Its relative. Its about beating urself.

I know ppl who have almost worked their backs off (I wanted this to b a "U" rated post, so I had to use backs) but they haven't got anything significant out. Why ??
I can't answer that fully but it's about you. Every one has a certai level of things and at one place or the other, it does come down to things like luck, chance, inherent skill etc.
What do u then, well, I dunno. I need an answer to that too.

So, for all those out there who think hard-work is just another fancy text-book term to be used only by professors and teachers, well, wake up. It helps. Hard-work does pay off.

To The 10 And Back (part 2) Why Now ??

I cud have done this anytime earlier in the sem, but I never felt the urge to do it and well, I am someone who doesn't do things unless the urge arises. I know it sounds normal but when I say things I mean almost everything.
This fourth 10 that I scored was the most important for me, and not bcoz its the latest or any such naive thing. Its coz there was a bigger battle at stake. An inner battle. The sem that passed wasn't just yet another academic semester. It was a lot more for me. It was my biggest battle (biggest completed battle, bigger battles are still on :) ).... against many things. I had to fightback, in every sense of the word. The pressure from within was too enormous to bother about extrinsic pressures.
After the end-sems ver done I was like in a daze for almost a day bfore I got my senses back. I was like too exhausted to even be myself (looks like a nice statement na). It drew me out, emptied all my reserves.

There is more to a 10 than meets the eye. Its dark. It takes over you.
The problem is, I ain't like ur average tenner. Studies like hell, never takes his head outta the books, stinks in the lib day in and day out, doesn't talk to normal guys, has no feelings, doesn't play games etc etc (sorry I exaggerated). Heck, I ain't even half of that.
Had I been a sincere student, I cud have identified with a tenner. But no, its beyond that.
And to tell u the truth, I am happy I ain't like that. I do have a life.

Again, why now ??
Bcoz I have just gone thru the details of the battle and I think it wud help to share my thoughts on it. So, that's why now.

To The 10 And Back (part 1) Prologue

I am gonna kich start the first of the two blogs that I am almost forced to write by my conscience. This series is gonna go deep, so I can't promise that most of u will make any head or tail outta it. It depends on how deep u wanna go.
Why am I doing this particular series of posts. For one, this is gonna be an eye-opener to many and probably to myself when I finish it off. Second, I feel compelled to write this down, especially after coming so close to the end.
The inspiration comes from many sources but the fact that I just got confirmation of my 10/10 score for the fourth semester was the kill.
This series is gonna mayb bring out a few things abt myself, and hence is very appropriate for the title of the blog itself viz. "I am ... umm, who am I ??"
Finally, I want to make it clear that at no point will I lose my humbleness and will I try to hurt others. I mean, I am gonna try my best to make sure u ppl don't say "What do u know, u r a 10 pointer. U don't know how it feels to .....". Plz, don't think that. The fact that a few ppl are gonna think like that is one reason I didn't blog earlier but I think I need to do this.

The Past Few Days..

Hello all,
its been good. So has the weather.
I spent 3 days at my cousins place and all we did was play computer games and watch movies.
One ulti game was Call Of Duty, this is a game built around World War II time and you have to do different missions, basically sniping, killing and the sorts. Sounds regular eh ?
U seen Enemy At The Gates or Saving Private Ryan, remember those war-torn buildings and those shelled homes with streets full of remains of buildings and dirt. This is exactly what the game features. Sniping at its best, seriously. I am a big fan of sniping and I think could have done well in the forces as a Sniper ( :)) ). But seriously, all those FPS game lovers out there, this is one sweet game.

Apart from that, had lotsa junk food and watched two movies
1. Identity:- U think u r good at understanding english movies at the first go. Try this. Brilliant and VERY confusing. I am still not sure what happened even after going thru the spoilers. Actually those who wrote the spoilers started off like this "This is what I think happened..."
That quite much tells the story doesn't it.
2.National Treasure:- Nice story, great acting by Nicolas Cage and Diane Kruger was looking the face that launched a thousand ships :))

I have to write two GOOD blogs but I ain't got the time rite now, but will do so soon.

May 23, 2005

Some Good Busy Days

Yeah, I have been having some real good and busy days. Busy as in so many places to go to and so little time :)
This has been my schedule for the past few days :-
wake up at 11 a.m. , be in a daze till 12 (:)) ), online till lunch, lunch, TV, first outing, back home just to tell my parents that I will b going out in the nite, second outing, return by 11 or 12, play caesar 3 till 1 or 2 in the night, doze off happily.
Well, now that's hectic.
I bought a few more novels and now I have 3 books that I have to read plus I am gonna get one more from a friend. Looks like I'll have some busy reading in the future.

Apart from that, I saw the movie "Naina", starring Urmila Matondkar yesterday night.
The best part about the movie was that it was just two hours long :)). I hope u get the picture. I went in vth a very good mood and high spirits. The movie started off pretty well and moved at a very decent pace ( the pace for one thing, was decent thruout the movie). Urmila's acting was very good and well, she does suit these movies perfectly well. The problem started after the intermission. The story was revealed and I must tell you, it was crap. Nonsense. I mean, the first half was decent and the 2nd half totally didn't live up to the 1st at all !! Well, that's that.
In the first half, I was sitting right next to the A.C. and boy, was it cold !!
And with the compressor making so much noise, I was like hearing from only one ear :))
But I swapped seats vth my friend and well, he seemed to b enjoyin the excess cold.

Also saw the movie "Veronica Guerin" yesterday on Star Movies. Cate Blanchett stars in this true-life based movie of a journalist who goes beyond everything to try and expose the drug lords in Ireland. Again, a short movie, no-nonsense, brilliantly directed and good pace.
But it was the end that really comes hard at you. Great movie and I won't spoil the ending for you.

I have also been very busy playing Ceasar 3 on my comp. This is one very unique game. U r given a huge piece of land, almost an entire state, and ur job is to .... that's the best part. You can do anything u like. Its basically city building and there isn't any fighting like in AOE etc. So, what makes this game intresting. Well, it focusses on city-building and upkeeping. One helluva game this one. Try it out, but only if u like strategy games. I am playing this game after one whole year and so its very refreshing.

Lots more happening, but I better stop now.

May 21, 2005

The Society (part 6) - Concluding Remarks

Well, this is gonna b the end to this long drawn first series of blog and though I didn't get many responses, I must confess that I would have felt incomplete without blogging about this and a few more things, which I will do soon.

The thing is that though the Society has been in existence for as long as humanity has (well, almost), one must understand that like every other thing, there is something called change that is necessary and it must be bought on from time to time. Change is the only certainity.

An old generation has to give in to a new one and with it, it must handover its thoughts and must trust the younger generation to choose from those thoughts as it wishes.
I am sure that there is always some fear when a new thing comes into power, but that's the way things work around us.

Personally, The Society will always be my favourite punching-bag and though I don't deny my own involvement in it, I will certainly say that some dynamism is required in it.
I hope it comes soon, coz time is flyin away quickly. The clock is ticking ..

May 18, 2005


Hello all.
Just finished editing my latest story - "The Miracle Man".
Just goto and u'll find it under "stories".
B bye.

May 17, 2005

The Society (part 5) - Possible Causes

I want to put an end to this series for now but I will forever be under the sarcasm of this topic almost whenever I blog or write. That, my friends, is the power of Sarcasm :))
Well, surely the society has its positives too. I mean its the society with which we share our successes, joys and happy moments. We, in some ways, return to it. But I ain't gonna go into the positives of The Society. My main job was to get the negatives across, which I think I did in the previous post.

Now, when I say causes I am refering to causes of Why the society has the negative traits that I wrote of yesterday.
Well, to begin with (and as I had pointed out yesterday), a major reason is The Generation Gap. I really dunno if this problem can be solved cozits kinda recursive ( lines from a very fundoo signature - "I can't understand recursion, coz I can't understand recursion" ;) ). We may be blaming the Generation Gap, but we will be the cause of it soon and once we are at the other end of it, I don't think we will realise that we are causing this problem.
The thing is, each generation has its own morals which need not be true for the next generation. And looking at the way the things are changing in this dynamic world, there is no doubt that the views of the two generations are really wide-apart. Whether this gap is resolvable or not, u decide. My personal opinion - "It can never be fully resolved, unless we have a generation that's endlessly tolerable."

Another reason is the bossing-around attitude that a few ppl have. This is when ppl poke their nose into everyone's business and give their advices (un-asked for) in issues they have no idea of, but just to achieve a satisfaction of authority. Well, such ppl exist in almost all parts of towns. The problem deepens when ppl of this sort come together and start preaching their ideals. The only way this problem can be resolved is if either these ppl realize their own mistake or others gang up against such ppl and make them realize their mistakes.

Another cause is the so called spreadism (coined by me just now ;) ). This is when the epidemic starts to spread, or when the fire begins to take the entire forest down. Confused ?
Its quite simple. If a problem starts in some corner of a place, it easily gains momentum and spreads if itsn't checked initially. U c, there is this strange observation that bad things generally spread faster and wider than the good things. U can find many instances of this thing around u. I think I will be able to give one whole post on this issue.

There could b various other causes but these r the ones that r in my mind rite now.
That's all from me for now. I suppose I'll end this Society series tonight.

May 16, 2005

The Society (part 4) - The Hard Facts

Ok everybody, put on your seatbelts, we r gonna go thru some turbulence soon.I know I should have given examples of things I was talking about but I was a bit unsure as to whether I would be able to put them down in an uncontroversial fashion. But I think, this being a blog, I shouldn't bother much about that. So I will just lay before u all the hard facts. The examples, that is.

These are general citings from day to day lives and from reliable sources. U might not agree whole-heartedly with the issues but please bear in mind that u cannot simply say that it doesn't happen anymore. Most of the examples do refer to the Indian Society (urban) in general but I am not going to point out any references.

Say a person has decided to start a business of his (I hope I am not offending the female readers by using the male sex in my examples. If so, I apologise whole-heartedly) own and it is not considered a safe job in and around his neighbourhood. Now say this guy actually doesn't do well initially in his business. Believe me, the society is gonna gun this guy down with things like "We had warned u but u never bothered. Now u r suffering" or "this is what happens when u don't listen to others". No one would even bother to listen to his side of the story and they will discourage him to such an extent that he will have no one to listen to.
This is very common even in some academic scenarios where the student would like to go ahead say in commerce or pure sciences. I know a few of u won't believe this but I have even heard things like "My daughter wants to do medicine but I want her to do Engineering" or even better "My daughter is intrested in medicine but I am intrested in Engineering". What the hell man. Can't someone even decide his/her academic intrests ?? I mean, its obvious that if u r good at ur work u will do well in ur field, whatever it be. And if u have an intrest in something, it is quite obvious that u will put in some decent efforts into it. Isn't it better than atleast pushing students around ??
And look at these so called educational institutes that offer coaching for students who wanna go into IITs. Well, I was a victim too but the fact is that you don't simply go to a place coz everyone is going there. I would not only blame the parents of the students involved but its the entire organisation of parents here. One says to the other "yes, its quite good. They keep them busy there", and this much is enuf to seal the poor guy/gal's fate. Integrated colleges (offering coaching for IIT/Eamcet and regular college) have timings as severe as 7-7 !!Now is it just me who thinks that this is unfair or is there anyone else who would like to voice for this injustice. I mean, 12 hrs !!!!!!!! Cmon, what is this madness.Of course the kids use their own means to get out of these things. They simply don't pay attention in the class. And do you know how boring the lectures get. The lecturers are supposed to teach almost 70-80 students at one go and they are teaching stuff as fundoo as stereo-chemistry or calculus or rotational dynamics. Please, gimme a break. These are topics that need a lot of concentration. I don't wanna go further into the educational system of India now. I could dedicate a whole blog to that !!

Another very common thing: Marriage.Say someone is not ready for marriage and rather wants to first establish his /her job well. But no. The parents get into stupid arguments "We know wats good for u. U r still very young". If that's so,why do u wanna get him/her married. Let em grow up first !! And this is where the entire neighbourhood creeps in. "Is there something that you are hiding", or "are u seeing someone else". My god. Things get crappy.

And what about when someone finally finds his/her soulmate. Man, there is not one person in the society who thinks that what he/she wants to do is right. Its always "your parents will b very hurt. Thay have done so much for u, is this how u repay them".Now, u won't believe this but there are some poor souls who actually don't even get close to the opposite sex (friendship even) just bcpz of this nonsense. I know u find this crazy but believe me, I know such ppl first hand !! The thing is, maybe their parents have no such restrictions in their mind but just bcoz of the society they don't agree and they get manipulated. Is this right ? Is this even in the least possible way logical ??
And when someone rejects a job coz he/she doesn't actually find it matching with his/her intrests. Its like "maybe the pay wasn't good", "he/she is a fool to reject such a good job" etc. I mean it becomes suffocating.

In many states of India having friends of the opposite sex is considered bad. Seriously, it is because of such a response that things never achieve a just position in reality.How could friendship be bad. Its becoz ppl still believe (I know u r gonna shout at me for this) that ppl of the opposite sex can't be just friends. I mean, if u don't accept the facts, how will things change. How will the truth come out in the light. It was partly becoz of this that I didn't wanna directly quote examples coz I don't know if ppl are willing to voice their feelings and stand by them. Though most of u will agree vth me but u will not want to put ur thoughts out.Well, I just hope that ppl come out vth their feelings and throw away this curtain of darkness from the society and bring into light the truth that has been imprisoned for so long and might soon become extinct.Maybe we could start a new project for this. "Save the truth", hows that ;)
Well, to a certain extent, its the generation gap that causes this imbalance in views and well, come tomorrow, we will be the "old generation" and it just might be us causing all this trouble all over again. Are we ready to change the future or are we gonna be just like any other generation and maintain this generation gap. Will we able to make a change and respect the truth for what is. I am sorry, but I don't see that happening. Not at this rate anyways.
God bless us everyone.

"All in all its just another brick in the wall"
- Pink Floyd

May 14, 2005

The Society (part 3), "The Moral Police" ??

Well, it had to come down to this comparison you know. The Society does invariably create an atmosphere of limits for us (the ppl of the society) to live within and to make sure we don't cross them. But the greatest irony is that time and again these lines have been redrawn coz it so happens that mostly one individual crosses the line, goes across it, and finds that there was no reason to stay behind the lines all these years and then after some deep thinking the society finally opens its eyes and redraws the lines, putting the new ones just infront of the position where the individual has just got to. I mean, there still is this tendancy for the society to act safe and limit things as much as possible. No doubt its good to be safe but only if it really is an issue. I mean, some of the norms of the society (though untold, but their existence isn't even doubted) are so illogical that u feel like you are in those old times that u wud have probably heard of from your grandparents. Sure things have moved on but some things are still clinging on to old times without any reason.

The problem arises when an individual actually comes across a scenario in which one sees that it is beneficial to be on the other side of the line and it is logical too !!
Yet, because of the society, one generall does hold back and in some cases u actually start blaming yourself that u took steps that led to such closeness to these holy lines. What crap !!
I mean just coz the norms have stood the test of time doesn't mean that they are right and should be upheld at all times. It might just b that no one ever saw the other side of the line and no one ever bothered to do so.
What one must do at such times is to think as to what would happen if he/she crosses the line and enters into the other side, irrespective of the society. That is, what would the other side be like, assuming that what the society says isn't important.
It is sometimes beneficial to ignore the society and at times the society leaves u with no other choice. Either give up and become another brick in the wall or else, stand up for urself and rather be The Gladiator and fight off the sticky society and open their eyes, or better still, just do what u feel is right and don't give a damn about the society. Deep down everyone feels that yes, the society is just a gas-bag and there is no weight in what it says, yet whenever someone other than us tries to cross the lines, we immediately (rather spontaneously) blame him/her for being careless and ask him/her to step back.
Now this really is hypocrisy. This isn't how the system should work. One should atleast try to practice what one preaches. But I guess that's how it works. I am talking in general about societies all over the globe, though I must confess that I am taking instances and inspiration from the state of society around me.
I better go to sleep now if I even plan to go to jogging tomorrow morning.

Its Been A While

Hey everyone !!
Its been a while. The net hasn't been responding very well for the past couple of days.
I saw "Kingdom Of Heavens". Story was quite good (about Jerusalem) and the fight scenes were quite good too but it was a bit long and a bit boring at times.
Next, I saw xxx2, again !! Actually had to see it again. No other good movie was on the offering nearby, so.

Roamed a bit aroung Hyd too (after a long time). Those good shopping malls and the huge parking lots, Man it was like old times !!

I haven't been able to go out a lot due to the extreme heat here in the day time and the day time is like from morning 8 to evening 6 !!. Imagine that !!

There was this topic of "Being Institutionalized" (Watch "Shawshank Redemption") that a friend of mine bought up in the newsgroup back at IITK and I now really feel that every one of us at IITK has this feeling in them, though to various extents depending on person to person.
You can't live away from the place for long. It kinda pulls you back. I am not in a very desperate state right now to get back but then its only been a week and I wish I could go back for a while and come back again. Wish I had lived somewhere close to Kanpur, but then, I can't imagine a better home than Hyderabad.

You know, there just this something about living in a hostel, especially IITK that makes you forget home (except after the endsems; its a time when everything around you feels so alien and so creepy. You just wanna run away, somewhere. Anywhere) and you feel so much in the element when u r at IITK. That feeling of comfort and relaxation, friends, computer, LAN, the hostel, the junk food, oh man !! The list is endless. I dunno whats gonna happen at the time of convocation when you will be kicked out of that place. We friends sometimes try to imagine our misery when that particular day will arrive and we always end up saying "Forget it man, its too scary a situation to imagine". We all know deep down that its gonna happen, one fine day. Sometimes, we also feel that we should just get out of this place as quickly as possible. As raks put it once "I just hope that we all get out of this place in our stipulated time" ;) (IITians samajh hi gaye honge, others need not bother :) ).
I'll close the post now. Gotta eat.

May 10, 2005


Hello all.
A couple of announcements.

Firstly, I just completed my write-ups page .
It contains most of my poems and stories.
You can also access it via the link "My Write-Ups" on the links section in the right side of the page.
I am planning to complete another poem and another story by this weekend,so if you are intrested, keep checking the site.

Secondly, please "refresh" the page whenever you visit this page or the write-ups page.
The thing is that most browsers DO NOT show the updated version of the page. This is some default browser bug I suppose. Anyways, that is all.
Have fun.

May 09, 2005

A "Routine" Vacation Day

Nice day today, saw a movie and finished the novel I was on.
Generally I picture myself spending most of the time outside on a good vacation day but with time, I must say that is becoming very rare, I don't know why.
Ppl are somehow busy with their own chores, however silly they might be. Whatever, I can't speak for them all.

So, I saw "Hitch" today. A typical Will Smith movie minus the action. This was a romantic comedy and I somehow had this idea that the movie wouldn't b able to do that well in the Romance department but it had me in the end. Brillinatly covered movie and its greatest asset was the details, little things that make so much of a difference.
The comedy was real neat and sharp. No cheap nonsense, just up to the point situational comedy. The first half had so many light moments and funky scenes.
Man, I didn't know the movie would be that good. But I must also confess that I enjoy almost any movie (yeah, its strange but I have enjoyed almost 90% of the films I have seen :D ).

Then, I finished the autobiography I was spending time on from three days now.
This was a different kind of autobiography. Sure the person was kinda big but in a very different department. He was a top Mafia guy. I know, imagine the autobiography of a Mafia guy, but this was awesome.
He was a top Mafia guy who was cheated by a few of his close friends and then he turned informer to the cops. Just looking at the way they make money will have u in splits.
They call upon a rich guy to play cards with them (he surely doesn't know they are bad guys) and initially they let him win and then slowly, they squeeze his entire money out, infact he ends up in debts with them (and u DON'T want to b in debts with these guys). Imagine owing money to the mob guys, man !!
They also do a kind of informal banking !!
They say that u can invest money with them and they'll give u 5% money on it and initially they do till u give them more money based on trust and when they finally have enuf money, they simply tell u to run off.

But the thing that was really new was the way they were disciplined in the business. No one harms any Mafia guy's family and infact if a Mafia guy is in prison, his family continues to get a kind of pension while the guy is in prison. Its so appealing :)) .
They sometimes do so much for each other that you'll wonder how these guys could be bad.
And this guy actually says that he enjoyed being in the Mafia but would never want his kids to be in it and says that he had missed the best part of his life since he had to be away from his family. This was one nicely constructed book.


May 08, 2005

The Society (part 2), The Roots

How the Society began is as stupid a question as asking "How did relationships begin".
Its so very elementary. It was an act of utmost selflessness (atleast it was supposed to be). The society was supposed to protect everything that was moral and punish the others.
All in all, the Society was to create a safer next generation so that they could become what the then-generation thought was right and safe and so that the path they thought was right would be followed.
I must say that to some extent the words (the untold words, actually) of the Society are Law in some places and in some places they are even worshipped as holy rules.

But sooner or later, everyone of the new generation starts questioning the basis of what the society professes. In some ways, the Society comprises of people who are generally experienced in matters of Life and have done well in their personal lives.
You must understand that what you think of the society is something very much your own. There is no Society in its physical form. Its just a thing that exists and which governs a lot of things, at times.

People are scared to against the Society coz it wud harm someone or the other and they feel that it would be wrong to do this coz the Society thinks it is wrong.
Is this logical ?? Well, in some cases it is, but in many cases, it is wrong too.
So, what do you do, listen to the Society or not ?
Well, its finally your decision but I wanted to dig deeper into the psychology of this Society.
I am gonna start writing on the core of the subject from tomorrow.
Let's see.
B bye.

The Society (part 1), A Preview

Society, the enclosure around us that we can't see, but can only feel. Its texture depends on who is touching it and in what stage of his/her life the person is in.
The Society is thought of as an unknown force that limits your doings and it sets norms on what it sees as ethical and sets punishments on things that are unethical or not-allowed.
At different stages of a person's life, he/she views the Society differently, with different shades on. You might be afraid of the Society or you might be idolizing the society or various other things.
From what I have come across, people have this view on Society - "It is illogical, but we can't go against it". Now this puts me in a lot of dilema. We call ourselves advanced and we can't even figure out as to whether these illogical things actually mean something or not.

What I am gonna do in the next few posts is to try and make some ends meet and try to come to some conclusion bout this illogical thing.
I would need ur feedback to further develop this issue.
I am sure all of us have, atleast once in our life, thought of Society as a barrier and have had our views (mostly) against it. I will try and see if this particular thought can be given good weight or is it just a state of the mind.

May 07, 2005

Home Sweet Home

Its good to be home, especially after the endsems. I was kinda feeling awkward at IITK after the endsems and I just wanted to rush back home. The journey didn't turn out to be that bad either. Though it was 31 hours long it was kinda ok as my journeys go.

I have got lots to do, well, atleast I plan to do a lot.
Jogging is the first thing, doing some study for my project is the second.
These are the two "constructive" things that I thought of doing this one month.
Can't wait to meet my friends, catch up with my cousin, get on my Activa, write another poem, check out the Hyd malls and do a lot more things that this month can offer.
Basically, I hope to get the best out of this month.
Let's see how things go.
I am also planning to put up a new "Movies" page soon.
Let's see how that turns out.
I am kinda sleepy now, so I better hit the sack.

May 02, 2005

The "Black Pearl" Effect

Nope, you ain't gonna find anything bout this on the net. Why ?? Coz I made it up :))
Actually I just coined the term, nothing else.
So, what's this all about.
Its just a factual thing that I happened to notice over the past few years and I don't know whether its a universal phenomenon or something else.
U know, when u are about to witness an event and u are sure its gonna happen and then u start thinking about how its gonna happen. I mean the place, the people around, the atmosphere etc.
Say u r actually wishing for a certain kinda atmoshphere to exist and a certain group of ppl to be there etc. That is u r wishing for a particualr scenario.
What I have noticed is that more often than not, that exact scenario will not occur though it might be the most plausible. Another scenario, maybe similar but not same, will exist in place of what u thought.
U can cite many examples bout this from day to day life.
I have felt this happen a lot with me and a few close friends of mine. Not a very big thing but strangely, in itself, it represents an incompleteness. Another Inherent Human Limitation.
U can almost never get what u want if u r wishing EXACTLY for it. The trick here is to wish for something with the same objective, yet not exactly the scenario u are looking for.
This does work big-time, believe me.
I have seen this to be quite true at times, and at times u would most need it.
I don't know if this is a common feeling among others too but yeah, ppl have talked bout such things at various times, only it was never probed in too much.
The thing is, the scenario will either exist in ur mind or in the real world. They can't co-exist except in the case of things like "Deja-vu" and those times when u have dreamt of something and exactly the same thing happens. I still can't contradict this fact.

Why Black Pearl. Simple enuf actually.
Pearl (even the Black Pearl) is a representative of Beauty and all things good and perfect. Something that we wish for in all walks of life and thus we dream or wish for.
Black here represents the state of life or the incompleteness that I had mentioned.
Its the threading of these words together that I feel depicts a lot in itself.
In History, Black Pearls were supposed to be the King's Jewel representing Power and Authority and beauty too. But again, ppl talked abt the curses of pearls and thus there was some mystery associated with this. Well ..

The Sky Seems Blue Again !!

Enfin, the end of endsems !!
Its a feeling that I am at present so overwhelmed with that I can't think straight.
I need a good sleep, a real ggod gaming weekend, a cartload of movies and home !!
Gosh, that would be nice !!
Exams tend to sap everything out of you. Everything. Nothing remains.
But now, actually now's not a ood time but I had to return to my blog and kinda "mark" my space. I am actually just too confused right now.
I'll get back to u ppl soon.